Tag Archives: Puppies

Monday Afternoon Foosball: 11/1

Location of Italy

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Daddy’s back! Did you miss me? I know I said I was just going to the corner store for some milk and cigarettes, but that store was out of both and I had to go to Italy to get the milk and then I had to be hospitalized for missing you too much. Sorry! Who wants souvenirs?!

Football

Let’s see: Texas lost. Again. Notre Dame lost a football game to Tulsa, their starting QB for the rest of the season to some injury (I didn’t actually watch the game), and a videographer to a gust of wind. Awesome week in South Bend – the Brian Kelly Era is off to a bangin’ start. Michigan State and Missouri both lost their first game of the season. Did I mention Texas is 4-4 and lost to Baylor? WTF?

Sunday was a better day for football as the Patriots almost literally decapitated Brett “Penis” Favre on their way to a 28-18 victory, and the Jets managed to score no points against the Packers, losing 9-0. All of those words, in that order, make me happy.

And what the hell are the Vikings and Brad Childress thinking? To my readers in Minnesota (I have readers there, right?): the head coach of the Vikings is not right in the head. Here’s to Moss re-signing with the Pats and then forging a letter from Belichick to Childress that says “Thanks for the 3rd round pick, sucka!” Aside – thinking of Minnesota reminds me of a favorite joke: Why do all the trees in Minnesota bend north? Because Iowa blows.

Movies

Tthhhbbbtt! Saw 3D won the Halloween box office with $22.5 million; Paranormal Activity 2 was second with $16.5 million. Both “films” can take a long walk on a short pier. Someone wake me up when the Oscar movies start coming out – I’ll be in the den napping.

Puppies, an Attractive Woman, a Funny Link and a Good Song

In that order:

In honor of the day after Halloween.

If you don’t like that song, there’s not much hope for you. Sorry.

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Monday Evening Football – 10/18

Football

I learned a valuable lesson this weekend: if I pick against the Longhorns and say silly things like this, they will win. Therefore – Texas is going to lose every single game they play from here on out. Actually, they will be embarrassed by every team they play for the rest of the season.

In other college football news, Boise State was done in by their weak schedule and are ranked #3 in the inaugural BCS standings, behind Oklahoma and Oregon. Notre Dame beat Western Michigan, as expected. Michigan State remained undefeated. And N.C. State went to little ol’ Greenville, NC and then lost to ECU in overtime, 33-27. As a friend of mine said: “typical State football.”

The Patriots escaped from Foxborough with a 23-20 OT win against the arguably better team, the Ravens. All hail Zoltan Mesko and his super-human leg! Stupid Dallas managed to lose another game and they sit all by themselves in the cellar of the NFC East. I don’t feel one ounce of sorry for them – Wade Phillips is about as good an NFL coach as my 4 1/2 year-old nephew would be. Unfortunately the Jets won. If they’re still leading the AFC East by the middle of the season, Rex Ryan goes on the Offended List as a matter of principle.

Movies

Jackass 3D made $50.3 million over the weekend, which is the best October opening for any movie, ever. I was going to say something snotty and pretentious about this, but then I read this:

Stupid people tend to forget that film didn’t start as a narrative medium.  The first things people saw in theaters weren’t stories, it was “hey look, a big train coming at your face!”  That is to say, it was a spectacle. So if you’re one of those people who can look at a guy willing to get run over by a buffalo for your amusement with a frown on your face and your arms folded, it doesn’t make you some great defender of a grand tradition, it just makes you an *sshole (via Filmdrunk)

A good point, but I’m so good at being an asshole I still want to hate Jackass 3D and what its box office total says about movie-watchers: we’re stupid and easily distracted, like a baby playing with a set of keys. I just don’t think this film’s success bodes well for film in general going forward. Hollywood-types are as dumb as concrete blocks – they’ll see the success of Jackass 3D and copy it, possibly even frame-by-frame, meaning the clones of this movie should be in theaters around this time next year. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

OK, fine, I’ll get off my soapbox. RED made a respectable $21.7 million – I did not see it but plan to this week. The only other film to debut in the top 20 was something called N-Secure and it made $1.16 million. I don’t know what that is and I’m too lazy to look it up. Although Tempestt Bledsoe is in it, so the film’s got that going for it…

Miscellaneous

I will maul whoever put this pink collar on me.

  • The Onion A.V. Club has an excellent interview with the producer/show-runner from Rubicon. I thought the series felt different after the first 4 or 5 episodes – having the guy who created the show leave will do that.
  • This will make you laugh – I promise (via Ebert):

Community Football Food Service

You heard me:

Tough or insane? While I generally dislike anything related to Virginia Tech, this story is bad-ass.

Reason #47 why Community is awesome – check out this video that shows Abed’s completely weird yet secondary sub-plot from last week’s Community. For the last time: watch this show instead of Big Bang Theory. Please. (P.S. Watch the background.)

Keeping you on your toes – Matt Taibbi’s latest blog post will confuse and anger you. Well, it did me, anyway.

Something good came out of restaurant industry hell – It’s this short film (via Vulture):

GROVER! This is everywhere, and now it’s here:

PUPPIES! As promised in the last post:

FOOTBALL! Ha, ha – Dallas sucks. And the Packers are turning into the Red Sox of the NFL – all their players are falling apart.

“My Whole Brain is Crying!”

Imagine that I have been the janitor for the past three-plus days. But I’m back now, so let’s get to it. (If I could come to with Alison Brie lying next to me, I’d totally allow myself to get chloroformed.)

Movies

Honestly, there’s nothing good coming out this weekend. Secretariat? Pass – the horse won the Triple Crown; I don’t need a movie about the humans involved. Life as We Know It? I’m not sure I’d see this movie even if Katherine Heigl was naked the whole time. That’s a lie – of course I would. But I’d bring headphones to the theater so I wouldn’t have to listen to her speak. Do yourself a favor and go see one of these instead: Easy A, The Town, Let Me In or The Social Network.

Football

Pittsburgh visits South Bend to take on the Irish in a game that better end up running Notre Dame’s record to 3-3. Notre Dame’s victim last week, Boston College, visits Raleigh to take on N.C. State – Go Pack! Texas gets a week off to lick their wounds – they play at #7 Nebraska next Saturday. And in a game that looks watchable regardless of who you root for or against, undefeated #18 Michigan State visits Ann Arbor to take on undefeated #17 Michigan. Personally, I hope the Spartans can pull out a win because I like underdogs and I’m scared of wolverines – they’re ugly and mean.

The Patriots have their bye this week, but Randy Moss has to wait for his week off as he was traded to the Vikings Wednesday (more on this tomorrow). Most of the NFL match-ups this weekend are pretty awful – Tampa Bay v. Cincinnati, St. Louis v. Detroit, Chicago v. Carolina? Woof.

Puppies

Back by popular demand! Seriously.

Scattergories

  • I mentioned the hi-jinx involving Jonathan Franzen’s glasses on Monday. The situation has been resolved, and the ransom was not paid. You heard me.
  • If you’ve watched any of baseball’s Division Series you may have caught a glimpse of Coco’s blimp.
  • If you live in the NYC area, I think you should go see this café.
  • And finally, just because I can:

 

Am I allowed to ask for this for Christmas?

I’ll be posting over the weekend, so stop by and learn about the real world, son.

 

Twitter is Not Bad

Twitter logo initial

Image via Wikipedia

I meant to throw this at the end of the previous post but forgot, so I’ll stretch it out into its own post. I sincerely hope that real journalists and writers aren’t nearly as lazy and care-free as The Offending Party. Either way, I won’t lose any sleep over it.

The Offending Party is on Twitter, but that’s not why I’m writing this (you can follow me if you want, but all you’re going to see are my lame and embarrassing attempts to get Gillian Jacobs to respond to me). Instead, I come to you extolling the virtues of Twitter as a news source and fountain of entertainment. Follow the right people and organizations and your Twitter homepage becomes both a customizable news ticker and a place to easily rip off a joke or two. I haven’t done the latter (yet), but I’ve been tempted. (“Maybe you should – you’d be funnier that way!” said the imaginary critic in my brain who resembles Andy Richter and deserves a kick to the ‘nads regardless of the accuracy of his comment.)

For example, in the past 10 minutes I’ve learned that the U.S. has approved additional sanctions against Iran, that there’s a new trailer on-line for the movie I Am Number Four, and that Stephen Colbert anthropomorphizes his paper clips. Sweet! And as an added bonus, I got to follow Patton Oswalt’s series of tweets last night describing a crazy hotel guest in Irvine. God bless the internet.

Reward time!

T.O.P.’s Weekend Plans: 9/24-26

The Offending Party doesn’t have any plans this weekend that don’t involve men in spandex pants playing around with an oblong ball made from the skin of a pig, and the statistics they will accumulate. Probably order a pizza or something… maybe Chinese, just to mix it up. Who knows? Anything could happen. Here are some of those foosball games, and plenty of other options.

See a Movie

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps – A good cast and a sequel to a good movie. But… I think the word I’m looking for is “tthhbbt.” If you want to see a sequel to the original, rent Boiler Room. On the other hand, this little tidbit piqued my interest in a train-wreck sort of way (Vulture via Filmdrunk):

At the premiere of Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps at the Ziegfeld Theatre last night, Shia LaBeouf shared with reporters the following delightful anecdote on working with director Oliver Stone: “We’re in the Adirondacks, and Josh Brolin and I are shooting this bike scene. And at one point I say to Josh a line — ‘You should look at yourself in the mirror first and see yourself. It might scare you,'” remembered LaBeouf. “I looked at the line for a couple of months and thought I’d go to Oliver and say, ‘You look at the mirror and look at yourself. It’s sort of repetitive. Why don’t we just cut one of those? Why don’t I say, Look at yourself. It might scare you.’ This is Oliver verbatim. He looks at me and goes, ‘I like mirror. I wrote Scarface. Go fuck yourself.'”

Fan. Tas. Tic.

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole – I’m not even going to check to see if I spelled that correctly. I don’t know what to make of this movie. Zack Snyder directed it, and his last two movies were Watchmen and 300. But it’s animated, in 3D and depicts warrior owls. I have an image of parents of 7-12 year-olds all over the country staring at this poster in the lobby of the theater, shaking their heads and muttering “what?”

Enter the Void – You won’t be seeing this movie this weekend unless you’re in NYC, but I wanted you to be aware of it. I get a strong Trainspotting vibe from the trailer – that’s a good thing:

Read a Book

Honestly, any book. Except any member of the Twilight series.

Watch Football

Saturday – Texas should make quick work out of destroying the UCLA Bruins; Notre Dame is probably going to be 1-3 after Stanford gets done with the Irish; #1 Alabama v. #10 Arkansas looks watchable; and at 8:00 PM – BLUE TURF!

Sunday – I’ll be a little disappointed if the Pats don’t score at least 40 points against the Bills; two teams I hate play each other, and because both can’t lose I guess I’ll root for the Dolphins; and Texas will be atwitter watching the Cowboys and Texans play in Houston. The best case scenario is a high-scoring game that Dallas loses – my FFB team needs Romo to throw for 3 and 350, but to anyone not named Miles Austin.

Look at Puppies

Gimme this dog! I WANT HIM SO BAD!

Check back next week when The Offending Party delves into the hot, sexy world of illegal immigration, makes fun of people who like The Big Bang Theory but not Community, suggests some bands you should maybe check out (you know, if you have the time or whatever) and discusses the pros and cons of chaining Perez Hilton to a wall in a room filled with starving, rabid coyotes (SPOILER – there are no cons).

Politics, FJM Style

I’m slightly hesitant to write this post because a lot of people are quite humorless about their politics. I could call their favorite book “shockingly stupid,” mock their favorite football team and describe their favorite movie as being “made by and for the dumbest people alive,” and not much would happen. Maybe a half-hearted e-mail or something (“Dude, The Expendables was the BEST ACTION MOVIE EVER MADE!!11!!!1!”). But if I rip on their chosen Presidential candidate, or oppose their thoughts on, I don’t know, gun control or something, the death threats and accusations of being a communist start rolling in.

Then I remembered that almost no one reads this blog. And there went that slight hesitation right out the window…

This article came from the AP via Yahoo!:

The chance for hundreds of thousands of young people to legally remain in the U.S. evaporated Tuesday when Republicans blocked a defense spending bill in the Senate.

Democrats failed to get a single Republican to help them reach the 60 votes needed to move forward on the defense bill and attach the DREAM Act as an amendment. The vote was 56-43. Arkansas Democratic Sens. Blanche Lincoln and Mark Pryor voted with Republicans. Majority Leader Harry Reid also voted to block the bill in a procedural move that allows the defense bill to be revived later.

Who knew Arkansas had two Democratic Senators? Also, if the Senate Majority Leader votes against a bill, that bill can be revived later? I’m no expert on Congressional procedure, but that sounds ass-backwards. And tell me again why an immigration act is being tacked on to a larger defense bill? Are Senators so lazy they just lump all their bills, acts and amendments together, vote and then catch a matinée showing of Eat, Pray, Love?

The DREAM Act allows young people to become legal U.S. residents after spending two years in college or the military. It applies to those who were under 16 when they arrived in the U.S., have been in the country at least five years and have a diploma from a U.S. high school or the equivalent.

My initial reaction to that paragraph: “All of that sounds reasonable. Of course it didn’t pass in the Senate.” But… Are our immigration laws so lacking, horrible and/or poorly enforced that illegal immigrants are accepted into the military now? And (I assume) public high schools? Did I pass out the day we covered this in U.S. History?

Several young people who would have benefited from the legislation watched the vote from the gallery, some wearing graduation caps and gowns. Many sat stone-faced when the vote tally was read. A young woman dressed in a gold cap and gown wiped away tears.

Most of the young immigrants knew victory was unlikely, but in the hours before the vote they walked the hallways of a Senate office building trying to drum up support.

In the hours after the vote, they ran away from the heavily armed cadre of Homeland Security officers waiting to deport them.

Republicans accused Democrats of playing politics with the defense bill and the DREAM Act. South Carolina Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham, who has supported legislation legalizing illegal immigrants in the past, said Democrats were trying to galvanize Hispanics and energize their voters by trying to tack the DREAM Act onto the defense bill.

The bill also included a measure to repeal the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on gays.

“I don’t think anyone in the country will hold it against us for voting against their way of doing business,” Graham said.

I can think of at least “hundreds of thousands of young people” who may feel differently, Lindsey. And you voted against a bill, not “their way of doing business.” Unless there was an amendment to this bill that specifically allowed Democrats to do business their way.

Reid, D-Nev., said Republicans were “putting partisan politics ahead of the best interests of the men and women who courageously defend our nation” by blocking the bill, which would have authorized $726 billion in defense spending, including a pay raise for troops.

Sen. Dick Durbin, the majority whip, said repealing the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy and passing the DREAM Act were a matter of justice and fairness.

“We do not in this country hold the crimes and misdeeds of parents against their children,” Durbin, D-Ill., said in reference to the DREAM Act. He has been trying to pass the legislation for about a decade.

So one side doesn’t like the partisan politics of the other. The other side doesn’t like the way the first side does business. I have a solution: fire everybody and start over from scratch. More serious solution: strict 12-year term limits for all members of Congress (6 terms as a Representative or 2 terms as a Senator). You can mix-and-match between chambers, but unless you’re becoming President at the end of 12 years, you’re done. If you don’t have a career in politics to protect and don’t have to worry too much about reelection, shit might actually get done in Washington.

Earlier Tuesday, Education Secretary Arne Duncan said he sent a letter to Reid and Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., backing the DREAM Act.

America is the only country they know … they deserve every opportunity to go further in life. Our country needs the benefits of their skills, their talent and their passion,” Duncan said.

That is the first level-headed quote in this whole story.

… Graham had been working with Sen. Charles Schumer, D-N.Y., to draft an immigration reform bill but dropped out of the process as he took criticism in his state. Democrats were unable to persuade any other Republicans to take his place.

Lindsey backed out because the people he represents were unhappy with his stance on the issue. Fair enough – I can respect that, listening to your constituents. However, these are the same people who elected a governor who’s fond of leaving the United States without telling anyone to visit his mistress/”soul mate.” Just saying.

There’s more to the article, but it’s mostly filler and back-story. You can read it and fill in the spaces with wise-ass remarks yourself. Amazingly, I have more to say about this issue (immigration) but I’ll let it simmer for a couple more days. My eyes hurt.

(FJM style refers to the now defunct site Fire Joe Morgan, where the writers would pick apart, line by line, sports writing with unabashed glee and several F-bombs.)

Google Yahoo! Bing

Being the narcissist that I am, I decided to Google “The Offending Party.” The very last link on the first page of results is a link to this here blog. Same for Yahoo! search. But, both were a link to what I consider my weakest post thus far. (Did I just link to what I just admitted was my weakest, un-funniest, trying-too-hard-est post? You bet I did.) So, to get The Offending Party a little higher on the page (without paying someone) and to banish the aforementioned post to the second page of search results, I am doing this: GOOGLE! YAHOO! BING! GOOGLE!! YAHOO!! Bing. (Who uses Bing anyway?) Cross your fingers.

And that really is the entirety of this post. Not even a puppy photo for your time… OK, maybe just one:

Viggo and Puppies. That is All.

In my attempt to get into the habit of posting, if not prolifically then at least daily, I made a small deal with myself: write one more post today and you can watch the rest of MNF. And I do want to watch the guts of what was the Patriots’ coaching staff from the glory days run roughshod over the damn Chargers. So, since I want to keep this deal I made with myself, but I’m lazy, I present you with the following pictures of unadulterated awesomeness:

If Viggo made these gestures to me on the street, I do believe I’d wet myself.

If you don’t love these puppies, we can’t be friends. Sad puppy on the bottom there may just become The Offending Party’s mascot. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!