Tag Archives: Patriots

Monday Afternoon Foosball: 11/1

Location of Italy

Image via Wikipedia

Daddy’s back! Did you miss me? I know I said I was just going to the corner store for some milk and cigarettes, but that store was out of both and I had to go to Italy to get the milk and then I had to be hospitalized for missing you too much. Sorry! Who wants souvenirs?!


Let’s see: Texas lost. Again. Notre Dame lost a football game to Tulsa, their starting QB for the rest of the season to some injury (I didn’t actually watch the game), and a videographer to a gust of wind. Awesome week in South Bend – the Brian Kelly Era is off to a bangin’ start. Michigan State and Missouri both lost their first game of the season. Did I mention Texas is 4-4 and lost to Baylor? WTF?

Sunday was a better day for football as the Patriots almost literally decapitated Brett “Penis” Favre on their way to a 28-18 victory, and the Jets managed to score no points against the Packers, losing 9-0. All of those words, in that order, make me happy.

And what the hell are the Vikings and Brad Childress thinking? To my readers in Minnesota (I have readers there, right?): the head coach of the Vikings is not right in the head. Here’s to Moss re-signing with the Pats and then forging a letter from Belichick to Childress that says “Thanks for the 3rd round pick, sucka!” Aside – thinking of Minnesota reminds me of a favorite joke: Why do all the trees in Minnesota bend north? Because Iowa blows.


Tthhhbbbtt! Saw 3D won the Halloween box office with $22.5 million; Paranormal Activity 2 was second with $16.5 million. Both “films” can take a long walk on a short pier. Someone wake me up when the Oscar movies start coming out – I’ll be in the den napping.

Puppies, an Attractive Woman, a Funny Link and a Good Song

In that order:

In honor of the day after Halloween.

If you don’t like that song, there’s not much hope for you. Sorry.


Monday Evening Football – 10/18


I learned a valuable lesson this weekend: if I pick against the Longhorns and say silly things like this, they will win. Therefore – Texas is going to lose every single game they play from here on out. Actually, they will be embarrassed by every team they play for the rest of the season.

In other college football news, Boise State was done in by their weak schedule and are ranked #3 in the inaugural BCS standings, behind Oklahoma and Oregon. Notre Dame beat Western Michigan, as expected. Michigan State remained undefeated. And N.C. State went to little ol’ Greenville, NC and then lost to ECU in overtime, 33-27. As a friend of mine said: “typical State football.”

The Patriots escaped from Foxborough with a 23-20 OT win against the arguably better team, the Ravens. All hail Zoltan Mesko and his super-human leg! Stupid Dallas managed to lose another game and they sit all by themselves in the cellar of the NFC East. I don’t feel one ounce of sorry for them – Wade Phillips is about as good an NFL coach as my 4 1/2 year-old nephew would be. Unfortunately the Jets won. If they’re still leading the AFC East by the middle of the season, Rex Ryan goes on the Offended List as a matter of principle.


Jackass 3D made $50.3 million over the weekend, which is the best October opening for any movie, ever. I was going to say something snotty and pretentious about this, but then I read this:

Stupid people tend to forget that film didn’t start as a narrative medium.  The first things people saw in theaters weren’t stories, it was “hey look, a big train coming at your face!”  That is to say, it was a spectacle. So if you’re one of those people who can look at a guy willing to get run over by a buffalo for your amusement with a frown on your face and your arms folded, it doesn’t make you some great defender of a grand tradition, it just makes you an *sshole (via Filmdrunk)

A good point, but I’m so good at being an asshole I still want to hate Jackass 3D and what its box office total says about movie-watchers: we’re stupid and easily distracted, like a baby playing with a set of keys. I just don’t think this film’s success bodes well for film in general going forward. Hollywood-types are as dumb as concrete blocks – they’ll see the success of Jackass 3D and copy it, possibly even frame-by-frame, meaning the clones of this movie should be in theaters around this time next year. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

OK, fine, I’ll get off my soapbox. RED made a respectable $21.7 million – I did not see it but plan to this week. The only other film to debut in the top 20 was something called N-Secure and it made $1.16 million. I don’t know what that is and I’m too lazy to look it up. Although Tempestt Bledsoe is in it, so the film’s got that going for it…


I will maul whoever put this pink collar on me.

  • The Onion A.V. Club has an excellent interview with the producer/show-runner from Rubicon. I thought the series felt different after the first 4 or 5 episodes – having the guy who created the show leave will do that.
  • This will make you laugh – I promise (via Ebert):

T.O.P.’s Weekend Plans: 10/15-17


RED My anticipation of this movie means I’ll probably be disappointed by it, but it’s currently tracking at 70% on RT – higher than any other wide release this week. Although, given the competition that’s not exactly shocking…

Jackass 3D – I know a couple of people who are genuinely excited to see this third installment of Johnny Knoxville and company inflict pain on themselves and others – I certainly enjoy watching Bam Margera get laid out on his ass by pretty much anything, a giant hand included. Because he’s a douche bag and deserves it. But I can’t justify spending $12 – $15 (3D!) to waste 100 minutes watching mental midgets get injured by increasingly convoluted methods. All this movie does, paired with the fact that it will likely win the box office cage match this weekend, is remind me we’re a year or two away from prime-time TV shows called Nutshots! and Eat WHAT For Money? Also: Idiocracy will be re-categorized as “psychic documentary.”

Hereafter – Clint Eastwood’s newest opens in NYC and LA before expanding nationwide next weekend. I love Eastwood, and he’s certainly earned the right to do whatever the hell he wants, but between this and Invictus I’m starting to worry about him. And I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with Matt Damon.


Notre Dame hosts Western Michigan… ? Huh. Western Michigan. 4-3 it is. The Seminoles should absolutely destroy Boston College, the Spartans host Illinois, who are coming off their upset win over Penn State last week, and #1 Ohio State goes to #18 Wisconsin. I love the entire upper mid-west, and I hate Jim Tressel’s sweater vests, so: Badgers, 37-31. (I wasn’t going to say anything, but Texas is going to get smoked by Nebraska. I’m not happy about it, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and take it.)

The Ravens travel to Foxborough Sunday in a rematch from last year’s playoffs. That game did not end well for Patriots fans. Here’s to hoping this one ends better – I think it will: Pats, 27-23. Also: Big Ben returns from suspension to lead the Steelers against the Browns, who will start rookie Colt McCoy at QB. This is a tough one – Steelers D against a rookie QB making his first career start… Steelers, 196-3. You can score 196 points in football, right?


  • Do you know how I know America is obese and unhealthy? Two facts: 1. There is a McRib locator website so people can see online which McDonald’s in their area have the “pork” sandwich; and 2. Said site crashed several times yesterday and this morning.
  • I’m a little embarrassed that I find this song catchy and listenable. Actually, very embarrassed, but dammit, it’s stuck in my brain. Kudos to whoever produced this track:
  • And finally, Minka Kelly was named the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire. JETER!! *drops to knees, shakes fist*

A Viking Once Again

New England Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss ...

Apparently the Pats are like rolling stone...

As all Patriots fans now know, Randy Moss was traded to the Minnesota Vikings on Wednesday for a 3rd round pick in the 2011 draft. It’s been written about extensively (Simmons, King, Silver) and I assume ESPN devoted several segments of Sports Center to the topic. My opinion has morphed from “What the hell were the Patriots thinking?” to “What the hell did Moss do this time?” to “Who are we going to draft next year with our 8 picks in the first four rounds?” Lots of stuff to think about, so let’s go with the tried and true pro/con list:


  • Moss’ departure leaves the Patriots without a true deep threat – Brandon Tate ain’t gonna cut it. Every play Moss was a part of, he occupied at least one corner, and the safety on his side of the field had to pay attention to him. Tate or anyone else won’t receive the same respect or attention.
  • I fear Wes Welker getting double-teamed all the time, putting more pressure on Tate, Julian Edelman and our corps of tight ends to produce.
  • I think Baby Goat sometimes wants to throw the football as far as he can to exorcise whatever in-game demons might be eating at him. Moss gave him a reason (or an excuse, depending on your opinion) to do it – who fills that role now? Or was this Brady caving to Moss’ demands to be thrown to? We’ll see, I guess.


  • Without Moss the Pats are going to be a more workmanlike team, mercilessly chipping away at defenses the way the Patriots of 2001-2004 did – Simmons said as much in his piece and I agree. Both Moss’ deep threat and personality are gone. The Patriots now have several very good offensive options for Brady, and he and Belichick are the face, heart and soul of the franchise once more.
  • Next year’s draft could be a special one for the Patriots. Depending on how the Raiders and Panthers finish this season, the Pats could have 3 of the first 35 picks (they have Oakland’s first round pick and Carolina’s second rounder – and I don’t see either team winning more than 5 games). There are so many scenarios that could unfold, and none of them are bad for the Patriots. Worst case? Logan Mankins leaves, the Pats don’t trade for another receiver this season (Deion Branch? Vincent Jackson?) and the young defense doesn’t mature and gel the way Belichick wants and needs them to. Next year’s draft could address all 3 issues and still net the Patriots a 1st round RB along the lines of Mark Ingram or DeMarco Murray. Two words: Suh. Weet.

The Offending Party will miss Randy Moss – he was exciting to watch, gave the Patriots a rare talent on offense and was never boring, on or off the field. Short-term, I think the Pats suffer a bit. But the long-term trade-off is going to be worth it – the Pats have the opportunity to solidify their place as an elite team for the next 5-7 years.

“My Whole Brain is Crying!”

Imagine that I have been the janitor for the past three-plus days. But I’m back now, so let’s get to it. (If I could come to with Alison Brie lying next to me, I’d totally allow myself to get chloroformed.)


Honestly, there’s nothing good coming out this weekend. Secretariat? Pass – the horse won the Triple Crown; I don’t need a movie about the humans involved. Life as We Know It? I’m not sure I’d see this movie even if Katherine Heigl was naked the whole time. That’s a lie – of course I would. But I’d bring headphones to the theater so I wouldn’t have to listen to her speak. Do yourself a favor and go see one of these instead: Easy A, The Town, Let Me In or The Social Network.


Pittsburgh visits South Bend to take on the Irish in a game that better end up running Notre Dame’s record to 3-3. Notre Dame’s victim last week, Boston College, visits Raleigh to take on N.C. State – Go Pack! Texas gets a week off to lick their wounds – they play at #7 Nebraska next Saturday. And in a game that looks watchable regardless of who you root for or against, undefeated #18 Michigan State visits Ann Arbor to take on undefeated #17 Michigan. Personally, I hope the Spartans can pull out a win because I like underdogs and I’m scared of wolverines – they’re ugly and mean.

The Patriots have their bye this week, but Randy Moss has to wait for his week off as he was traded to the Vikings Wednesday (more on this tomorrow). Most of the NFL match-ups this weekend are pretty awful – Tampa Bay v. Cincinnati, St. Louis v. Detroit, Chicago v. Carolina? Woof.


Back by popular demand! Seriously.


  • I mentioned the hi-jinx involving Jonathan Franzen’s glasses on Monday. The situation has been resolved, and the ransom was not paid. You heard me.
  • If you’ve watched any of baseball’s Division Series you may have caught a glimpse of Coco’s blimp.
  • If you live in the NYC area, I think you should go see this café.
  • And finally, just because I can:


Am I allowed to ask for this for Christmas?

I’ll be posting over the weekend, so stop by and learn about the real world, son.


T.O.P.’s Weekend Plans: 10/1-3

Hey Week, what’s up? It’s Weekend. I have a note here for you. It’s from everyone. “Suck it.” Yeah, that’s all it says – were you expecting more? Uh-huh – “suck it.” Definitely from everyone. OK, man. Later.


The Social Network – I’m not going to say too much about this one: David Fincher (Seven, Fight Club, Zodiac) directed it, Aaron Sorkin (West Wing, A Few Good Men) wrote it, and the critics seem to like it. Nothing in life is guaranteed, but this seems like a safe bet for movie-watching enjoyment.

Let Me In – A remake of Let The Right One In by the guy who directed Cloverfield. Pros: critics like it, Chloë Grace Moretz, non-sparkly vampires. Cons: vampires (non-sparkly or otherwise), remake, the guy directed Cloverfield. Take a look at the trailer and you decide:

Case 39 – Shot in late 2006, this movie (in a reversal from almost all other Hollywood productions) has already been released in the rest of the world, and comes to the plate with two strikes: its U.S. release date has been pushed back by over two years and Renee Zellweger is in it.


In a big game in this part of the country, the Emasculated Turkeys of Virginia Tech visit the #23 N.C. State Wolfpack. State wins, 34-23. (Yup, I’m picking winners this week.)

The Red River Rivalry commences at 3:30 PM EST and Notre Dame travels to Chestnut Hill to take on Boston College at 8:00 PM EST. Texas squeaks by, 31-30, and Notre Dame wins an ugly game, 17-13.

The Patriots don’t play until Monday night, therefore not technically the weekend, so file this under “I don’t care.” Pats, 31-24.


Q: Would you rather see a picture of a cute puppy or Minka Kelly?

A: Yes.

Dammit, Jeter. Is there nothing you don’t have?

Monday Afternoon Foosbal: Yikes!

Forgive me if I seem a little out-of-sorts or cranky today, but this was one of the last things I saw before I went to bed last night:

So what if I do have a tramp stamp that says SEXY? F*ck you.

That photo may not be an entirely accurate depiction of Sunday night, but that’s what I remember. Also, Braylon Edwards trimmed his homeless man beard so everything’s OK with him, too. Huh? What? Really? And here I thought he was such a nice young man.

Alright, let’s get to it – this wasn’t pretty:

Patriots, 38-30 – When I wrote last week that I’d be disappointed if the Pats didn’t score 40 points, I didn’t think they’d need to. Baby Goat and Randy Moss got theirs, but the Patriots defense allowed the Bills to score 30 points. A win’s a win, but when this game is the only good news from the weekend, things are amiss.

UCLA Bruins, 34-12 – The Longhorns apparently had a collective flashback to 1997 and lost to UCLA on Saturday, turning the ball over 4 times in the first half. I believe I used the verb “destroy” in describing this game on Friday. Turns out I was half-right.

Stanford Cardinal, 37-14 – At least I saw this one coming. The final score is misleading because the Irish got pounded all game long – Stanford kicked 5 field goals and Notre Dame scored 8 of their 14 points after the outcome was already decided. An ugly game in South Bend for fans o’ the Irish. Also: it’s always bothered me that Stanford is The Cardinal.

NYJ, 31-23 – My hatred grows with each passing week…

I have nothing nice left to say, so I’ll say this: Scott Caan is pretty funny.

T.O.P.’s Weekend Plans: 9/24-26

The Offending Party doesn’t have any plans this weekend that don’t involve men in spandex pants playing around with an oblong ball made from the skin of a pig, and the statistics they will accumulate. Probably order a pizza or something… maybe Chinese, just to mix it up. Who knows? Anything could happen. Here are some of those foosball games, and plenty of other options.

See a Movie

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps – A good cast and a sequel to a good movie. But… I think the word I’m looking for is “tthhbbt.” If you want to see a sequel to the original, rent Boiler Room. On the other hand, this little tidbit piqued my interest in a train-wreck sort of way (Vulture via Filmdrunk):

At the premiere of Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps at the Ziegfeld Theatre last night, Shia LaBeouf shared with reporters the following delightful anecdote on working with director Oliver Stone: “We’re in the Adirondacks, and Josh Brolin and I are shooting this bike scene. And at one point I say to Josh a line — ‘You should look at yourself in the mirror first and see yourself. It might scare you,'” remembered LaBeouf. “I looked at the line for a couple of months and thought I’d go to Oliver and say, ‘You look at the mirror and look at yourself. It’s sort of repetitive. Why don’t we just cut one of those? Why don’t I say, Look at yourself. It might scare you.’ This is Oliver verbatim. He looks at me and goes, ‘I like mirror. I wrote Scarface. Go fuck yourself.'”

Fan. Tas. Tic.

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole – I’m not even going to check to see if I spelled that correctly. I don’t know what to make of this movie. Zack Snyder directed it, and his last two movies were Watchmen and 300. But it’s animated, in 3D and depicts warrior owls. I have an image of parents of 7-12 year-olds all over the country staring at this poster in the lobby of the theater, shaking their heads and muttering “what?”

Enter the Void – You won’t be seeing this movie this weekend unless you’re in NYC, but I wanted you to be aware of it. I get a strong Trainspotting vibe from the trailer – that’s a good thing:

Read a Book

Honestly, any book. Except any member of the Twilight series.

Watch Football

Saturday – Texas should make quick work out of destroying the UCLA Bruins; Notre Dame is probably going to be 1-3 after Stanford gets done with the Irish; #1 Alabama v. #10 Arkansas looks watchable; and at 8:00 PM – BLUE TURF!

Sunday – I’ll be a little disappointed if the Pats don’t score at least 40 points against the Bills; two teams I hate play each other, and because both can’t lose I guess I’ll root for the Dolphins; and Texas will be atwitter watching the Cowboys and Texans play in Houston. The best case scenario is a high-scoring game that Dallas loses – my FFB team needs Romo to throw for 3 and 350, but to anyone not named Miles Austin.

Look at Puppies

Gimme this dog! I WANT HIM SO BAD!

Check back next week when The Offending Party delves into the hot, sexy world of illegal immigration, makes fun of people who like The Big Bang Theory but not Community, suggests some bands you should maybe check out (you know, if you have the time or whatever) and discusses the pros and cons of chaining Perez Hilton to a wall in a room filled with starving, rabid coyotes (SPOILER – there are no cons).

Monday Afternoon Foosball: Oof.

My therapist told me recently to try to be more positive(*), so I’m really, really trying to focus on the positives from yesterday’s Patriots v. Jets game. I mean, there’s this, obviously:

And the fact that Wes Welker is back to being the Wes Welker we know and love so soon after having his knee put through the figurative meat grinder is fantastic. (Note to Patriots ownership/management: if you’re going to make one wide receiver wealthier this off-season, make it Welker.) But where the hell was he after half-time? Baby Goat looked like a scared little boy for most of the second half, and the Patriots’ defense managed the nearly impossible in the same thirty minutes: they made Mark Sanchez look like an NFL-caliber quarterback. If the second half indicates what the Pats are going to look like after their opponent has time to make adjustments at half-time, it’s going to be a long season. (It physically hurts me to type this, but if the world just got a glimpse of the real Sanchez, and not just a fluke performance, the Jets are gonna be scary. And they get Santonio Holmes back in week 5. Double Oof.)


The Texas Longhorns beat the Texas Tech Red Raiders 24-14 on Saturday in a game I mistakenly thought was the Red River Rivalry (that’s actually Texas v. Oklahoma). Apparently, there is no snappy nickname or corporate sponsorship for the annual Texas-Texas Tech game, but there should be. Leave your ideas in the comments.

Double Negative

The Michigan State Spartans beat Notre Dame 34-31 in overtime on a fake-field-goal-turned-touchdown-pass (that maybe shouldn’t have counted) that was so surprising in its success it caused MSU head coach Mark Dantonio to have a heart attack. Despite the heart-breaking loss (see what I did there?), The Offending Party wishes Coach Dantonio a speedy and complete recovery.

(*) He actually said “stop being such a cry-baby loser,” but that seemed a tad harsh.

The Birth of a Longhorns Fan & Baby Goat

Texas Longhorns Volleyball athletic logo

Image via Wikipedia

I made a deal very early Sunday morning with my sister’s very good friend: in exchange for her promising never to become a Dallas Cowboys fan, and to reward her continued support for the Red Sox and the Patriots despite residence in Waco (more on this in a bit), I agreed to become a fan of the University of Texas Longhorns, her alma mater. I feel like this is a win-win situation for several reasons:

  1. Even one less Cowboys fan in the world is a good thing.
  2. Even one more Red Sox and/or Patriots fan is a good thing.
  3. Texas is a winning program – it’s pretty easy to get behind a winner. Had she graduated from Prairie View (eesh) or Northwestern (oof) or Virginia Tech (HA!), this deal may never have happened.
  4. I already despise one of the Longhorns’ natural rivals, the Sooners. There’s no good reason behind this hatred, I just don’t like ’em. Kinda like my feelings for Detroit (the city) and manatees (the animal).
  5. I agreed to this without having to deny, in any way, shape or form, my allegiance to Notre Dame. If Texas and Notre Dame end up playing each other at some point, I’ll ask the judge for her ruling as to where my allegiance should lay.

The only drawback to this arrangement is my complete lack of knowledge regarding Texas football. If only there were some sort of site on the Internet that collected information from various sources in one place regarding one specific topic…

Check your totem, Wikipedia:

With his new staff, implementation of the “I” formation, and some help from future Heisman trophy winner Earl Campbell, Akers led the ’77 Longhorns to 11-0 and would have acquired UT’s 4th National Championship if not for a loss to Notre Dame in the Cotton Bowl Classic.

Ooo… Ouch. This doesn’t bode well. Give me more, but do me a favor and bullet-point it for me – I don’t have all day.

  • Texas ranks as the 2nd most winningest NCAA college football program with an 845-318-33 (71%) all-time win/loss record as of 2009. [Ed.: Most winningest? That can’t be grammatically correct.]
  • Texas holds an NCAA record for most winning seasons at 105 out of 117 seasons of football.
  • First college team to implement the famous Wing-T and Wishbone Offenses. [Ed.: Famous? If you say so, random source on Wikipedia.]
  • Smokey the Cannon. Has its own Wikipedia page. Wow.

OK. I feel  a little better about my adopted college football team.

This friend of my sister is a born and bred Texan who fell under the sway of both Red Sox and Patriots Nations because my sister is an insistent and passionate fan of both teams, and to know her is to love her AND the things she loves. If you know my sister even a little bit, you know what I’m talking about. Now, this friend’s continued support of the Sox and Pats is bolstered, in part, by, shall we say, the deliciousness of some of the players. Ryan Kalish may have been mentioned (I don’t know about him, but his numbers certainly look pretty good). And, of course, Mr. Gisele Bundchen, Baby Goat:

I love hugs, even from baby goats.

He does look dreamy, doesn’t he. The point of this whole post is: I will pay five American dollars to the first member of the Patriots football team (ten if it’s a member of the O-line) to take a picture of this image hanging in their locker. I heard Logan Mankins might need a couple bucks, so my fingers are crossed. I’ll even apologize to him in public, if that’s what it takes.