Tag Archives: Movies

The Offending Party Likes: “Your Highness”

Every so often I hope to throw a post together where I grant something – a song, a movie, a book, a lingerie model, a breed of dog, whatever – The Offending Party’s (soon-to-be-coveted) Seal of Approval. Today:

NSFW – maybe I should have put this warning above the video. Whatever.

Danny McBride (Eastbound and Down) and David Gordon Green (Pineapple Express) are acquired tastes, but if you’ve acquired said tastes, this is right up your alley. Bonus: Natalie Portman’s butt. I’m not sure it’s humanly possible to do a better job selling this movie than those three words. Well, the song from Pineapple‘s trailer could have helped…

M.I.A. makes everything better (1:14 or so).

P.S. The Offending Party is on the Twitter. Follow if you like but I really just retweet things I find funny, like this one: “Tom Brady:Hair::Harrison Ford:Earring.” I love Baby Goat, but the truth stings sometimes. I also love analogies.

P.P.S.

Monday Afternoon Foosball: 11/1

Location of Italy

Image via Wikipedia

Daddy’s back! Did you miss me? I know I said I was just going to the corner store for some milk and cigarettes, but that store was out of both and I had to go to Italy to get the milk and then I had to be hospitalized for missing you too much. Sorry! Who wants souvenirs?!

Football

Let’s see: Texas lost. Again. Notre Dame lost a football game to Tulsa, their starting QB for the rest of the season to some injury (I didn’t actually watch the game), and a videographer to a gust of wind. Awesome week in South Bend – the Brian Kelly Era is off to a bangin’ start. Michigan State and Missouri both lost their first game of the season. Did I mention Texas is 4-4 and lost to Baylor? WTF?

Sunday was a better day for football as the Patriots almost literally decapitated Brett “Penis” Favre on their way to a 28-18 victory, and the Jets managed to score no points against the Packers, losing 9-0. All of those words, in that order, make me happy.

And what the hell are the Vikings and Brad Childress thinking? To my readers in Minnesota (I have readers there, right?): the head coach of the Vikings is not right in the head. Here’s to Moss re-signing with the Pats and then forging a letter from Belichick to Childress that says “Thanks for the 3rd round pick, sucka!” Aside – thinking of Minnesota reminds me of a favorite joke: Why do all the trees in Minnesota bend north? Because Iowa blows.

Movies

Tthhhbbbtt! Saw 3D won the Halloween box office with $22.5 million; Paranormal Activity 2 was second with $16.5 million. Both “films” can take a long walk on a short pier. Someone wake me up when the Oscar movies start coming out – I’ll be in the den napping.

Puppies, an Attractive Woman, a Funny Link and a Good Song

In that order:

In honor of the day after Halloween.

If you don’t like that song, there’s not much hope for you. Sorry.

Monday Evening Football – 10/18

Football

I learned a valuable lesson this weekend: if I pick against the Longhorns and say silly things like this, they will win. Therefore – Texas is going to lose every single game they play from here on out. Actually, they will be embarrassed by every team they play for the rest of the season.

In other college football news, Boise State was done in by their weak schedule and are ranked #3 in the inaugural BCS standings, behind Oklahoma and Oregon. Notre Dame beat Western Michigan, as expected. Michigan State remained undefeated. And N.C. State went to little ol’ Greenville, NC and then lost to ECU in overtime, 33-27. As a friend of mine said: “typical State football.”

The Patriots escaped from Foxborough with a 23-20 OT win against the arguably better team, the Ravens. All hail Zoltan Mesko and his super-human leg! Stupid Dallas managed to lose another game and they sit all by themselves in the cellar of the NFC East. I don’t feel one ounce of sorry for them – Wade Phillips is about as good an NFL coach as my 4 1/2 year-old nephew would be. Unfortunately the Jets won. If they’re still leading the AFC East by the middle of the season, Rex Ryan goes on the Offended List as a matter of principle.

Movies

Jackass 3D made $50.3 million over the weekend, which is the best October opening for any movie, ever. I was going to say something snotty and pretentious about this, but then I read this:

Stupid people tend to forget that film didn’t start as a narrative medium.  The first things people saw in theaters weren’t stories, it was “hey look, a big train coming at your face!”  That is to say, it was a spectacle. So if you’re one of those people who can look at a guy willing to get run over by a buffalo for your amusement with a frown on your face and your arms folded, it doesn’t make you some great defender of a grand tradition, it just makes you an *sshole (via Filmdrunk)

A good point, but I’m so good at being an asshole I still want to hate Jackass 3D and what its box office total says about movie-watchers: we’re stupid and easily distracted, like a baby playing with a set of keys. I just don’t think this film’s success bodes well for film in general going forward. Hollywood-types are as dumb as concrete blocks – they’ll see the success of Jackass 3D and copy it, possibly even frame-by-frame, meaning the clones of this movie should be in theaters around this time next year. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

OK, fine, I’ll get off my soapbox. RED made a respectable $21.7 million – I did not see it but plan to this week. The only other film to debut in the top 20 was something called N-Secure and it made $1.16 million. I don’t know what that is and I’m too lazy to look it up. Although Tempestt Bledsoe is in it, so the film’s got that going for it…

Miscellaneous

I will maul whoever put this pink collar on me.

  • The Onion A.V. Club has an excellent interview with the producer/show-runner from Rubicon. I thought the series felt different after the first 4 or 5 episodes – having the guy who created the show leave will do that.
  • This will make you laugh – I promise (via Ebert):

T.O.P.’s Weekend Plans: 10/15-17

Movies

RED My anticipation of this movie means I’ll probably be disappointed by it, but it’s currently tracking at 70% on RT – higher than any other wide release this week. Although, given the competition that’s not exactly shocking…

Jackass 3D – I know a couple of people who are genuinely excited to see this third installment of Johnny Knoxville and company inflict pain on themselves and others – I certainly enjoy watching Bam Margera get laid out on his ass by pretty much anything, a giant hand included. Because he’s a douche bag and deserves it. But I can’t justify spending $12 – $15 (3D!) to waste 100 minutes watching mental midgets get injured by increasingly convoluted methods. All this movie does, paired with the fact that it will likely win the box office cage match this weekend, is remind me we’re a year or two away from prime-time TV shows called Nutshots! and Eat WHAT For Money? Also: Idiocracy will be re-categorized as “psychic documentary.”

Hereafter – Clint Eastwood’s newest opens in NYC and LA before expanding nationwide next weekend. I love Eastwood, and he’s certainly earned the right to do whatever the hell he wants, but between this and Invictus I’m starting to worry about him. And I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with Matt Damon.

Football

Notre Dame hosts Western Michigan… ? Huh. Western Michigan. 4-3 it is. The Seminoles should absolutely destroy Boston College, the Spartans host Illinois, who are coming off their upset win over Penn State last week, and #1 Ohio State goes to #18 Wisconsin. I love the entire upper mid-west, and I hate Jim Tressel’s sweater vests, so: Badgers, 37-31. (I wasn’t going to say anything, but Texas is going to get smoked by Nebraska. I’m not happy about it, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and take it.)

The Ravens travel to Foxborough Sunday in a rematch from last year’s playoffs. That game did not end well for Patriots fans. Here’s to hoping this one ends better – I think it will: Pats, 27-23. Also: Big Ben returns from suspension to lead the Steelers against the Browns, who will start rookie Colt McCoy at QB. This is a tough one – Steelers D against a rookie QB making his first career start… Steelers, 196-3. You can score 196 points in football, right?

Misc.

  • Do you know how I know America is obese and unhealthy? Two facts: 1. There is a McRib locator website so people can see online which McDonald’s in their area have the “pork” sandwich; and 2. Said site crashed several times yesterday and this morning.
  • I’m a little embarrassed that I find this song catchy and listenable. Actually, very embarrassed, but dammit, it’s stuck in my brain. Kudos to whoever produced this track:
  • And finally, Minka Kelly was named the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire. JETER!! *drops to knees, shakes fist*

“My Whole Brain is Crying!”

Imagine that I have been the janitor for the past three-plus days. But I’m back now, so let’s get to it. (If I could come to with Alison Brie lying next to me, I’d totally allow myself to get chloroformed.)

Movies

Honestly, there’s nothing good coming out this weekend. Secretariat? Pass – the horse won the Triple Crown; I don’t need a movie about the humans involved. Life as We Know It? I’m not sure I’d see this movie even if Katherine Heigl was naked the whole time. That’s a lie – of course I would. But I’d bring headphones to the theater so I wouldn’t have to listen to her speak. Do yourself a favor and go see one of these instead: Easy A, The Town, Let Me In or The Social Network.

Football

Pittsburgh visits South Bend to take on the Irish in a game that better end up running Notre Dame’s record to 3-3. Notre Dame’s victim last week, Boston College, visits Raleigh to take on N.C. State – Go Pack! Texas gets a week off to lick their wounds – they play at #7 Nebraska next Saturday. And in a game that looks watchable regardless of who you root for or against, undefeated #18 Michigan State visits Ann Arbor to take on undefeated #17 Michigan. Personally, I hope the Spartans can pull out a win because I like underdogs and I’m scared of wolverines – they’re ugly and mean.

The Patriots have their bye this week, but Randy Moss has to wait for his week off as he was traded to the Vikings Wednesday (more on this tomorrow). Most of the NFL match-ups this weekend are pretty awful – Tampa Bay v. Cincinnati, St. Louis v. Detroit, Chicago v. Carolina? Woof.

Puppies

Back by popular demand! Seriously.

Scattergories

  • I mentioned the hi-jinx involving Jonathan Franzen’s glasses on Monday. The situation has been resolved, and the ransom was not paid. You heard me.
  • If you’ve watched any of baseball’s Division Series you may have caught a glimpse of Coco’s blimp.
  • If you live in the NYC area, I think you should go see this café.
  • And finally, just because I can:

 

Am I allowed to ask for this for Christmas?

I’ll be posting over the weekend, so stop by and learn about the real world, son.

 

The Offending Party Likes: “True Grit”

Every so often I hope to throw a post together where I grant something – a TV show, a movie, a book, a lingerie model, a breed of dog, whatever – The Offending Party’s (soon-to-be-coveted) Seal of Approval. Today:


Coen Brothers + Westerns + Jeff Bridges + eye patches = nerd boner.

SUPER MEGA FUN POST!

I am lazy and I am pressed for time. Therefore, one post with a bit of everything. And before I forget, I may or may not be tweeting during tonight’s Patriots v. Dolphins game. If I am you should follow me because I’m sleep-deprived and a little cranky. Should be entertaining… for you, for once.

Football

Another rather unpleasant Saturday for The Offending Party. Notre Dame did manage to beat Boston College to improve to 2-3. N.C. State decided to stop playing defense in the second half of their game against Virginia Tech, which they lost 41-30. The ‘Horns gave it their best shot against the got-dammed Sooners, but to no avail (I think either I picked the wrong season to become a Longhorns fan, or Texas is trying to tell me they neither need nor want my fandom). Boise State beat whatever scrub team they played 59-0 and still fell in the polls. Because there’s a conspiracy in college football to keep non-major conference teams out of the national championship, you see. Finally, Duke lost to Maryland because Duke is f*cking horrible.

Box Office

That The Social Network made $22.4 million over the weekend is not a surprise; that Let Me In only made $5.1 million (less than that Zellweger piece o’ shit Case 39!) is a surprise. I guess no one wanted to see Hit Girl feed on humans.

Out of Control Fans of Literature

I don’t know where Jonathan Franzen happened to be when this happened to him, but WTF? I bet it was Canada – they have this staid and polite reputation, but have you seen them drink?

The New Pornographers

Catchy songs, Neko Case and a band name that gets their shows canceled (seriously). Check, check and check. Enjoy:

T.O.P.’s Weekend Plans: 10/1-3

Hey Week, what’s up? It’s Weekend. I have a note here for you. It’s from everyone. “Suck it.” Yeah, that’s all it says – were you expecting more? Uh-huh – “suck it.” Definitely from everyone. OK, man. Later.

Movies

The Social Network – I’m not going to say too much about this one: David Fincher (Seven, Fight Club, Zodiac) directed it, Aaron Sorkin (West Wing, A Few Good Men) wrote it, and the critics seem to like it. Nothing in life is guaranteed, but this seems like a safe bet for movie-watching enjoyment.

Let Me In – A remake of Let The Right One In by the guy who directed Cloverfield. Pros: critics like it, Chloë Grace Moretz, non-sparkly vampires. Cons: vampires (non-sparkly or otherwise), remake, the guy directed Cloverfield. Take a look at the trailer and you decide:

Case 39 – Shot in late 2006, this movie (in a reversal from almost all other Hollywood productions) has already been released in the rest of the world, and comes to the plate with two strikes: its U.S. release date has been pushed back by over two years and Renee Zellweger is in it.

Football

In a big game in this part of the country, the Emasculated Turkeys of Virginia Tech visit the #23 N.C. State Wolfpack. State wins, 34-23. (Yup, I’m picking winners this week.)

The Red River Rivalry commences at 3:30 PM EST and Notre Dame travels to Chestnut Hill to take on Boston College at 8:00 PM EST. Texas squeaks by, 31-30, and Notre Dame wins an ugly game, 17-13.

The Patriots don’t play until Monday night, therefore not technically the weekend, so file this under “I don’t care.” Pats, 31-24.

Other

Q: Would you rather see a picture of a cute puppy or Minka Kelly?

A: Yes.

Dammit, Jeter. Is there nothing you don’t have?

“Nah, You Can Say It.” “Lubricant.”

  • Sloane Crosley was on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson last night and was quite charming. Not as charming as Craig though – he might be the best celebrity interviewer we have. And by we, I mean those of us still awake watching television at 1:07 AM.
  • Terriers was also on last night. I swear this is the last time I’ll say it – this is very good television and you should be watching, if only to hear dialogue like this:

Britt: He wants us to renege on our story.

Hank: Recant. You don’t renege a story, you ahh… You renege on a deal; you recant a story.

  • Christopher Plummer has been cast as Henrik Vanger in David Fincher’s film adaptation of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. He joins Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara in the English-language remake. If you’re impatient, all three of Larsson’s books have been made into movies, albeit in Swedish. So if you’re like me and hate reading while watching a movie, you’ll wait.
  • Do yourself a favor and click here – just trust me for once, will you? It’s worth it. You’ll want to show all your friends…

The Offending Party Dislikes: “Skyline”

Every so often I hope to throw a post together where I grant something – a TV show, a movie, a book, an American Idol contestant, a Hollywood producer, whatever – The Offending Party’s (soon-to-be-feared) Seal of Denial. Today:

This is how I imagine this film got made (abridged):

“It’ll be like Transformers without robots or Megan Fox crossed with Independence Day without Will Smith.”

“Budget?”

“I don’t know… maybe, $20 – $25 million?”

“Done.”

*****

“We blew our whole budget on special effects. Now what?”

“Hire the black guy from Scrubs and a bunch of pretty, talent-less white people and fire the screenwriter – we’ll just have the cast ad lib various movie clichés between scenes of bright bluish light and alien spaceships.”

And… scene.