Category Archives: T.O.P. Plans Your Weekend

T.O.P.’s Weekend Plans: 10/15-17


RED My anticipation of this movie means I’ll probably be disappointed by it, but it’s currently tracking at 70% on RT – higher than any other wide release this week. Although, given the competition that’s not exactly shocking…

Jackass 3D – I know a couple of people who are genuinely excited to see this third installment of Johnny Knoxville and company inflict pain on themselves and others – I certainly enjoy watching Bam Margera get laid out on his ass by pretty much anything, a giant hand included. Because he’s a douche bag and deserves it. But I can’t justify spending $12 – $15 (3D!) to waste 100 minutes watching mental midgets get injured by increasingly convoluted methods. All this movie does, paired with the fact that it will likely win the box office cage match this weekend, is remind me we’re a year or two away from prime-time TV shows called Nutshots! and Eat WHAT For Money? Also: Idiocracy will be re-categorized as “psychic documentary.”

Hereafter – Clint Eastwood’s newest opens in NYC and LA before expanding nationwide next weekend. I love Eastwood, and he’s certainly earned the right to do whatever the hell he wants, but between this and Invictus I’m starting to worry about him. And I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with Matt Damon.


Notre Dame hosts Western Michigan… ? Huh. Western Michigan. 4-3 it is. The Seminoles should absolutely destroy Boston College, the Spartans host Illinois, who are coming off their upset win over Penn State last week, and #1 Ohio State goes to #18 Wisconsin. I love the entire upper mid-west, and I hate Jim Tressel’s sweater vests, so: Badgers, 37-31. (I wasn’t going to say anything, but Texas is going to get smoked by Nebraska. I’m not happy about it, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and take it.)

The Ravens travel to Foxborough Sunday in a rematch from last year’s playoffs. That game did not end well for Patriots fans. Here’s to hoping this one ends better – I think it will: Pats, 27-23. Also: Big Ben returns from suspension to lead the Steelers against the Browns, who will start rookie Colt McCoy at QB. This is a tough one – Steelers D against a rookie QB making his first career start… Steelers, 196-3. You can score 196 points in football, right?


  • Do you know how I know America is obese and unhealthy? Two facts: 1. There is a McRib locator website so people can see online which McDonald’s in their area have the “pork” sandwich; and 2. Said site crashed several times yesterday and this morning.
  • I’m a little embarrassed that I find this song catchy and listenable. Actually, very embarrassed, but dammit, it’s stuck in my brain. Kudos to whoever produced this track:
  • And finally, Minka Kelly was named the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire. JETER!! *drops to knees, shakes fist*


“My Whole Brain is Crying!”

Imagine that I have been the janitor for the past three-plus days. But I’m back now, so let’s get to it. (If I could come to with Alison Brie lying next to me, I’d totally allow myself to get chloroformed.)


Honestly, there’s nothing good coming out this weekend. Secretariat? Pass – the horse won the Triple Crown; I don’t need a movie about the humans involved. Life as We Know It? I’m not sure I’d see this movie even if Katherine Heigl was naked the whole time. That’s a lie – of course I would. But I’d bring headphones to the theater so I wouldn’t have to listen to her speak. Do yourself a favor and go see one of these instead: Easy A, The Town, Let Me In or The Social Network.


Pittsburgh visits South Bend to take on the Irish in a game that better end up running Notre Dame’s record to 3-3. Notre Dame’s victim last week, Boston College, visits Raleigh to take on N.C. State – Go Pack! Texas gets a week off to lick their wounds – they play at #7 Nebraska next Saturday. And in a game that looks watchable regardless of who you root for or against, undefeated #18 Michigan State visits Ann Arbor to take on undefeated #17 Michigan. Personally, I hope the Spartans can pull out a win because I like underdogs and I’m scared of wolverines – they’re ugly and mean.

The Patriots have their bye this week, but Randy Moss has to wait for his week off as he was traded to the Vikings Wednesday (more on this tomorrow). Most of the NFL match-ups this weekend are pretty awful – Tampa Bay v. Cincinnati, St. Louis v. Detroit, Chicago v. Carolina? Woof.


Back by popular demand! Seriously.


  • I mentioned the hi-jinx involving Jonathan Franzen’s glasses on Monday. The situation has been resolved, and the ransom was not paid. You heard me.
  • If you’ve watched any of baseball’s Division Series you may have caught a glimpse of Coco’s blimp.
  • If you live in the NYC area, I think you should go see this café.
  • And finally, just because I can:


Am I allowed to ask for this for Christmas?

I’ll be posting over the weekend, so stop by and learn about the real world, son.


T.O.P.’s Weekend Plans: 10/1-3

Hey Week, what’s up? It’s Weekend. I have a note here for you. It’s from everyone. “Suck it.” Yeah, that’s all it says – were you expecting more? Uh-huh – “suck it.” Definitely from everyone. OK, man. Later.


The Social Network – I’m not going to say too much about this one: David Fincher (Seven, Fight Club, Zodiac) directed it, Aaron Sorkin (West Wing, A Few Good Men) wrote it, and the critics seem to like it. Nothing in life is guaranteed, but this seems like a safe bet for movie-watching enjoyment.

Let Me In – A remake of Let The Right One In by the guy who directed Cloverfield. Pros: critics like it, Chloë Grace Moretz, non-sparkly vampires. Cons: vampires (non-sparkly or otherwise), remake, the guy directed Cloverfield. Take a look at the trailer and you decide:

Case 39 – Shot in late 2006, this movie (in a reversal from almost all other Hollywood productions) has already been released in the rest of the world, and comes to the plate with two strikes: its U.S. release date has been pushed back by over two years and Renee Zellweger is in it.


In a big game in this part of the country, the Emasculated Turkeys of Virginia Tech visit the #23 N.C. State Wolfpack. State wins, 34-23. (Yup, I’m picking winners this week.)

The Red River Rivalry commences at 3:30 PM EST and Notre Dame travels to Chestnut Hill to take on Boston College at 8:00 PM EST. Texas squeaks by, 31-30, and Notre Dame wins an ugly game, 17-13.

The Patriots don’t play until Monday night, therefore not technically the weekend, so file this under “I don’t care.” Pats, 31-24.


Q: Would you rather see a picture of a cute puppy or Minka Kelly?

A: Yes.

Dammit, Jeter. Is there nothing you don’t have?

T.O.P.’s Weekend Plans: 9/24-26

The Offending Party doesn’t have any plans this weekend that don’t involve men in spandex pants playing around with an oblong ball made from the skin of a pig, and the statistics they will accumulate. Probably order a pizza or something… maybe Chinese, just to mix it up. Who knows? Anything could happen. Here are some of those foosball games, and plenty of other options.

See a Movie

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps – A good cast and a sequel to a good movie. But… I think the word I’m looking for is “tthhbbt.” If you want to see a sequel to the original, rent Boiler Room. On the other hand, this little tidbit piqued my interest in a train-wreck sort of way (Vulture via Filmdrunk):

At the premiere of Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps at the Ziegfeld Theatre last night, Shia LaBeouf shared with reporters the following delightful anecdote on working with director Oliver Stone: “We’re in the Adirondacks, and Josh Brolin and I are shooting this bike scene. And at one point I say to Josh a line — ‘You should look at yourself in the mirror first and see yourself. It might scare you,'” remembered LaBeouf. “I looked at the line for a couple of months and thought I’d go to Oliver and say, ‘You look at the mirror and look at yourself. It’s sort of repetitive. Why don’t we just cut one of those? Why don’t I say, Look at yourself. It might scare you.’ This is Oliver verbatim. He looks at me and goes, ‘I like mirror. I wrote Scarface. Go fuck yourself.'”

Fan. Tas. Tic.

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole – I’m not even going to check to see if I spelled that correctly. I don’t know what to make of this movie. Zack Snyder directed it, and his last two movies were Watchmen and 300. But it’s animated, in 3D and depicts warrior owls. I have an image of parents of 7-12 year-olds all over the country staring at this poster in the lobby of the theater, shaking their heads and muttering “what?”

Enter the Void – You won’t be seeing this movie this weekend unless you’re in NYC, but I wanted you to be aware of it. I get a strong Trainspotting vibe from the trailer – that’s a good thing:

Read a Book

Honestly, any book. Except any member of the Twilight series.

Watch Football

Saturday – Texas should make quick work out of destroying the UCLA Bruins; Notre Dame is probably going to be 1-3 after Stanford gets done with the Irish; #1 Alabama v. #10 Arkansas looks watchable; and at 8:00 PM – BLUE TURF!

Sunday – I’ll be a little disappointed if the Pats don’t score at least 40 points against the Bills; two teams I hate play each other, and because both can’t lose I guess I’ll root for the Dolphins; and Texas will be atwitter watching the Cowboys and Texans play in Houston. The best case scenario is a high-scoring game that Dallas loses – my FFB team needs Romo to throw for 3 and 350, but to anyone not named Miles Austin.

Look at Puppies

Gimme this dog! I WANT HIM SO BAD!

Check back next week when The Offending Party delves into the hot, sexy world of illegal immigration, makes fun of people who like The Big Bang Theory but not Community, suggests some bands you should maybe check out (you know, if you have the time or whatever) and discusses the pros and cons of chaining Perez Hilton to a wall in a room filled with starving, rabid coyotes (SPOILER – there are no cons).