Category Archives: Monday Afternoon Foosball

Monday Afternoon Foosball: 11/1

Location of Italy

Image via Wikipedia

Daddy’s back! Did you miss me? I know I said I was just going to the corner store for some milk and cigarettes, but that store was out of both and I had to go to Italy to get the milk and then I had to be hospitalized for missing you too much. Sorry! Who wants souvenirs?!


Let’s see: Texas lost. Again. Notre Dame lost a football game to Tulsa, their starting QB for the rest of the season to some injury (I didn’t actually watch the game), and a videographer to a gust of wind. Awesome week in South Bend – the Brian Kelly Era is off to a bangin’ start. Michigan State and Missouri both lost their first game of the season. Did I mention Texas is 4-4 and lost to Baylor? WTF?

Sunday was a better day for football as the Patriots almost literally decapitated Brett “Penis” Favre on their way to a 28-18 victory, and the Jets managed to score no points against the Packers, losing 9-0. All of those words, in that order, make me happy.

And what the hell are the Vikings and Brad Childress thinking? To my readers in Minnesota (I have readers there, right?): the head coach of the Vikings is not right in the head. Here’s to Moss re-signing with the Pats and then forging a letter from Belichick to Childress that says “Thanks for the 3rd round pick, sucka!” Aside – thinking of Minnesota reminds me of a favorite joke: Why do all the trees in Minnesota bend north? Because Iowa blows.


Tthhhbbbtt! Saw 3D won the Halloween box office with $22.5 million; Paranormal Activity 2 was second with $16.5 million. Both “films” can take a long walk on a short pier. Someone wake me up when the Oscar movies start coming out – I’ll be in the den napping.

Puppies, an Attractive Woman, a Funny Link and a Good Song

In that order:

In honor of the day after Halloween.

If you don’t like that song, there’s not much hope for you. Sorry.


Monday Evening Football – 10/18


I learned a valuable lesson this weekend: if I pick against the Longhorns and say silly things like this, they will win. Therefore – Texas is going to lose every single game they play from here on out. Actually, they will be embarrassed by every team they play for the rest of the season.

In other college football news, Boise State was done in by their weak schedule and are ranked #3 in the inaugural BCS standings, behind Oklahoma and Oregon. Notre Dame beat Western Michigan, as expected. Michigan State remained undefeated. And N.C. State went to little ol’ Greenville, NC and then lost to ECU in overtime, 33-27. As a friend of mine said: “typical State football.”

The Patriots escaped from Foxborough with a 23-20 OT win against the arguably better team, the Ravens. All hail Zoltan Mesko and his super-human leg! Stupid Dallas managed to lose another game and they sit all by themselves in the cellar of the NFC East. I don’t feel one ounce of sorry for them – Wade Phillips is about as good an NFL coach as my 4 1/2 year-old nephew would be. Unfortunately the Jets won. If they’re still leading the AFC East by the middle of the season, Rex Ryan goes on the Offended List as a matter of principle.


Jackass 3D made $50.3 million over the weekend, which is the best October opening for any movie, ever. I was going to say something snotty and pretentious about this, but then I read this:

Stupid people tend to forget that film didn’t start as a narrative medium.  The first things people saw in theaters weren’t stories, it was “hey look, a big train coming at your face!”  That is to say, it was a spectacle. So if you’re one of those people who can look at a guy willing to get run over by a buffalo for your amusement with a frown on your face and your arms folded, it doesn’t make you some great defender of a grand tradition, it just makes you an *sshole (via Filmdrunk)

A good point, but I’m so good at being an asshole I still want to hate Jackass 3D and what its box office total says about movie-watchers: we’re stupid and easily distracted, like a baby playing with a set of keys. I just don’t think this film’s success bodes well for film in general going forward. Hollywood-types are as dumb as concrete blocks – they’ll see the success of Jackass 3D and copy it, possibly even frame-by-frame, meaning the clones of this movie should be in theaters around this time next year. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

OK, fine, I’ll get off my soapbox. RED made a respectable $21.7 million – I did not see it but plan to this week. The only other film to debut in the top 20 was something called N-Secure and it made $1.16 million. I don’t know what that is and I’m too lazy to look it up. Although Tempestt Bledsoe is in it, so the film’s got that going for it…


I will maul whoever put this pink collar on me.

  • The Onion A.V. Club has an excellent interview with the producer/show-runner from Rubicon. I thought the series felt different after the first 4 or 5 episodes – having the guy who created the show leave will do that.
  • This will make you laugh – I promise (via Ebert):

Community Football Food Service

You heard me:

Tough or insane? While I generally dislike anything related to Virginia Tech, this story is bad-ass.

Reason #47 why Community is awesome – check out this video that shows Abed’s completely weird yet secondary sub-plot from last week’s Community. For the last time: watch this show instead of Big Bang Theory. Please. (P.S. Watch the background.)

Keeping you on your toes – Matt Taibbi’s latest blog post will confuse and anger you. Well, it did me, anyway.

Something good came out of restaurant industry hell – It’s this short film (via Vulture):

GROVER! This is everywhere, and now it’s here:

PUPPIES! As promised in the last post:

FOOTBALL! Ha, ha – Dallas sucks. And the Packers are turning into the Red Sox of the NFL – all their players are falling apart.


I am lazy and I am pressed for time. Therefore, one post with a bit of everything. And before I forget, I may or may not be tweeting during tonight’s Patriots v. Dolphins game. If I am you should follow me because I’m sleep-deprived and a little cranky. Should be entertaining… for you, for once.


Another rather unpleasant Saturday for The Offending Party. Notre Dame did manage to beat Boston College to improve to 2-3. N.C. State decided to stop playing defense in the second half of their game against Virginia Tech, which they lost 41-30. The ‘Horns gave it their best shot against the got-dammed Sooners, but to no avail (I think either I picked the wrong season to become a Longhorns fan, or Texas is trying to tell me they neither need nor want my fandom). Boise State beat whatever scrub team they played 59-0 and still fell in the polls. Because there’s a conspiracy in college football to keep non-major conference teams out of the national championship, you see. Finally, Duke lost to Maryland because Duke is f*cking horrible.

Box Office

That The Social Network made $22.4 million over the weekend is not a surprise; that Let Me In only made $5.1 million (less than that Zellweger piece o’ shit Case 39!) is a surprise. I guess no one wanted to see Hit Girl feed on humans.

Out of Control Fans of Literature

I don’t know where Jonathan Franzen happened to be when this happened to him, but WTF? I bet it was Canada – they have this staid and polite reputation, but have you seen them drink?

The New Pornographers

Catchy songs, Neko Case and a band name that gets their shows canceled (seriously). Check, check and check. Enjoy:

Monday Afternoon Foosbal: Yikes!

Forgive me if I seem a little out-of-sorts or cranky today, but this was one of the last things I saw before I went to bed last night:

So what if I do have a tramp stamp that says SEXY? F*ck you.

That photo may not be an entirely accurate depiction of Sunday night, but that’s what I remember. Also, Braylon Edwards trimmed his homeless man beard so everything’s OK with him, too. Huh? What? Really? And here I thought he was such a nice young man.

Alright, let’s get to it – this wasn’t pretty:

Patriots, 38-30 – When I wrote last week that I’d be disappointed if the Pats didn’t score 40 points, I didn’t think they’d need to. Baby Goat and Randy Moss got theirs, but the Patriots defense allowed the Bills to score 30 points. A win’s a win, but when this game is the only good news from the weekend, things are amiss.

UCLA Bruins, 34-12 – The Longhorns apparently had a collective flashback to 1997 and lost to UCLA on Saturday, turning the ball over 4 times in the first half. I believe I used the verb “destroy” in describing this game on Friday. Turns out I was half-right.

Stanford Cardinal, 37-14 – At least I saw this one coming. The final score is misleading because the Irish got pounded all game long – Stanford kicked 5 field goals and Notre Dame scored 8 of their 14 points after the outcome was already decided. An ugly game in South Bend for fans o’ the Irish. Also: it’s always bothered me that Stanford is The Cardinal.

NYJ, 31-23 – My hatred grows with each passing week…

I have nothing nice left to say, so I’ll say this: Scott Caan is pretty funny.

Monday Afternoon Foosball: Oof.

My therapist told me recently to try to be more positive(*), so I’m really, really trying to focus on the positives from yesterday’s Patriots v. Jets game. I mean, there’s this, obviously:

And the fact that Wes Welker is back to being the Wes Welker we know and love so soon after having his knee put through the figurative meat grinder is fantastic. (Note to Patriots ownership/management: if you’re going to make one wide receiver wealthier this off-season, make it Welker.) But where the hell was he after half-time? Baby Goat looked like a scared little boy for most of the second half, and the Patriots’ defense managed the nearly impossible in the same thirty minutes: they made Mark Sanchez look like an NFL-caliber quarterback. If the second half indicates what the Pats are going to look like after their opponent has time to make adjustments at half-time, it’s going to be a long season. (It physically hurts me to type this, but if the world just got a glimpse of the real Sanchez, and not just a fluke performance, the Jets are gonna be scary. And they get Santonio Holmes back in week 5. Double Oof.)


The Texas Longhorns beat the Texas Tech Red Raiders 24-14 on Saturday in a game I mistakenly thought was the Red River Rivalry (that’s actually Texas v. Oklahoma). Apparently, there is no snappy nickname or corporate sponsorship for the annual Texas-Texas Tech game, but there should be. Leave your ideas in the comments.

Double Negative

The Michigan State Spartans beat Notre Dame 34-31 in overtime on a fake-field-goal-turned-touchdown-pass (that maybe shouldn’t have counted) that was so surprising in its success it caused MSU head coach Mark Dantonio to have a heart attack. Despite the heart-breaking loss (see what I did there?), The Offending Party wishes Coach Dantonio a speedy and complete recovery.

(*) He actually said “stop being such a cry-baby loser,” but that seemed a tad harsh.

I Heart the Foosball

Is this what passes for a rant nowadays? I’m more concerned with the way this self-proclaimed “man” dresses himself than his dissatisfaction with his contract situation. No yelling, no crying, no cursing and no nonsensical Tweeting? Man, the two receivers in the opposing locker room have really spoiled me…

And how the hell is this not a game-winning touchdown catch?

Look, I read the rule and realize that the refs, to the letter of the law, made the correct call. Which tells me that the rule is f*cking horrible. If that’s not a touchdown, then this kitten is not adorable:

“But,” you say, “that kitten is adorable!” Yes. Yes, it is. I believe I’ve made my point.